He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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