I hope mine doesn't look like that
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
