He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
