I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
