I wish I could teleport
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
