Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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