i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
