Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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