I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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