I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
