I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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