I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
