Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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