i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
