I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
