My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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