Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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