so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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