I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
