I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
