well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
