when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
