how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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