every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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