He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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