we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
