dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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