So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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