Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
