fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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