Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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