last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
