I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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