I wish I could teleport
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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