I want to make a zoo with you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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