this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
