I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
