the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
