I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
