put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
