I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
