he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
