Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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