I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
