The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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