I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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