Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
