He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
