come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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