Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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