i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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