I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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