Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
