You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
